I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
