I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
