i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
