well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
