Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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