Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
