The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
