and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No subtext here. People are naked.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
