Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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