I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
