I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
do herpes really smell.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
