You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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