I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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