oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
