If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
