On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
