I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
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Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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