My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
