hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
