??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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