There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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