Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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