went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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