The maid of honor just puked.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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