you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
