I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
