Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
whose parrot is this?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
