I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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