I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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