It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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