There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
