so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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