Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
