the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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