i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
