I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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