So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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