I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
