Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
