Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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