why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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