Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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