I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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