Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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