woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
