i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
