I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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