What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
