the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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