question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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