eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
