so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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