I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
