I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
