what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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