You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
